Hi!! Hi!!

Our "flu" turned out to be Swine Flu ( I expected worse) and my little Madi Girl quickly recovered while mine turned into pneumonia. Ew. Walking death. Dark bags under the eyes, inability to breath like a normal individual, dizzy after just 2 steps (PS I live on the 3rd floor-and have two dogs that HAVE to be walked multiple times a day). Check, check, check.

Oh well...I lived! Whoo! YAY me!

Anyways, back to life. I spoke to a bankruptcy lawyer and I am leaning towards that, even though its another scary step (goodbye buying another house anyday soon) it's also nice to think of it as "starting over"...since really, in every aspect of life right now, I seem to be starting over. More on that to come.

Madi Girl is excited. She is going to be flying to Phoenix with Auntie E and Uncle M to see my parents near the end of this month then she gets to go to Portland with them! FUN! I gave her the choice: she could go to Walla Walla with me for a few days or she could get on a big plane and go see her Hammy and Papa in AZ. At first she chose to go to WW with me. I told her that was fine but she should sleep on it. She did and the next morning she came into my room before I was out of bed and said "Mommy, I want to get on a big plane to see Hammy and Papa in Arizona. Mommy, you will miss me. But you'll be ok because I will come home, I promise!" Good grief I love that little one whom drives me nuts! ;)

There is MUCH to do this month. On paper (or a computer screen) it doesn't look like much- but squished into my already busy life it is! I have a few more papers to finish up before December 4th (D Day), permission slips for Madi to fly to Phoenix, packing for her and packing for me (yay I get to go somewhere for a few days!), ummm ok so that's it but ummmm ok that's it. But you know how when your plate is already full you feel like adding one.more.thing is going to break the plate?! That's how I'm feeling. Even vacuuming is heavy on my mind.

My birthday is soon...the 24th. I have extremely mixed feelings about it.

Once again though, life is good. I am blessed and I truly 100% believe that!

I attended my first ever parent teacher meeting tonight...Madi Girl has a boyfriend (funny fact: my kindergarten boyfriends name was Zach and so is hers), and she is no longer aloud to sit next to him in class because they like to hold hands a little too often...Oh boy! Other than that though her teacher had very kind things to say. Madi Girl is very smart and moving along at a very strong and steady pace and excelling in most catagories...except for rthyming...hello Dr Suess! Her math skills and spelling skills are great. She struggles with the sounds of the letter E. All in all though...very good! Her mama is proud! :)

Although most days I feel too tired to fully appreciate all that she has to offer, I tuck her in at night, read her a story (and do the silly voices), give her extra kisses and hugs...and we both feel better.

My thoughts are always on her, even when my mood doesn't show it, I thank God daily for my beautiful "surprise" and am forever grateful for such a wonderful little gift of love.

She is what keeps me going. Keeps me motivated. And keeps me positive...even when I'm grouchy. ;)

Anyone Have a Map?!

I'm 25. I'll be 26 near the end of November. I remember watching Friends and always thinking "I want to be just like Rachel when I'm 25".... Rachel left her fiance at the alter, made her way slowly but surely and found her career in fashion working with the big kids like Ralph Lauren.

Let's see my realistic 25: single mother working 2 jobs, unable to make ends meet, living in an apartment with my baby and our 2 dogs-after having to leave the house that I own, a soon to be ex husband who is addicted to marijuana and crack, and having to clean up all the pieces..... not quiet so glamourous. And yet, I still smile. I am still happy, and I wouldn't take 2 steps back into my marriage even if it meant that all this ugly would go away.

When he and I first seperated I remember his loved ones coming to me and asking me to stay with him, to give him another chance. "He loves you" "he just needs more understanding" "you're the best thing to happen to him" "think about Madi"... and I remember all the thoughts that went through my head each time...the main one being "if you only knew the truth, if you only knew him like I know him".

It's been messier than I ever would've imagined and its been hell but it won't always be like this, and that's what keeps me going. I still have my amazing friends, my amazing sister, and my amazing baby. They support me and love me and keep me moving forward.

I think about him sometimes, alone. Filled with such sadness that he surrounds himself with bad things that fill the void for just a moment, and for just a minute, my heart breaks for him. I've cried my tears for him. Thought about going to him to try to fix his brokeness, and then I remember that in 12 years I couldn't permanently "fix" him....that going to him and trying to help would do no good. He is a grown man- it is time for him to correct his own wrongs.

As for me, I will continue to live a happy healthy life, surrounded by positive influences, love and happiness. I spend alot of time with Big R and Big B mostly and they have become a special unit of my family. Like a little family add-on.

Big B spends alot of time with Madi Girl, helping to fill the void that her dad has created (due to him rarely visiting anymore). Big B reads to her, plays with her, helps her with her homework, and truly loves her. Big B is good to her. Good to us.

We continue to be happy...although right now we have the flu (I've had it for 4 days, Big B for 2, Big R for 2 and Madi Girl just got it today)...and we continue to love and move forward.

And late at night, when all is quiet, I send a little prayer to the universe that Madi Girl's dad pull himself together....if for no other reason then for the little girl that he and I created and promised to care for.

Life is GOOD and I am BLESSED

Last night I said fairwell to a very good friend of mine Big S. He is leaving to Vegas on a whim to try new and exciting things and I wish him the best of luck. I had him and Big B over for pizza (ps- I make the BEST pizza in the world, and NO I will not tell you my secret) and movies. We had alot of deep convos about life, the future, and all the fun that we've all shared together. It was a good night. I am blessed with amazing friends and amazing family....I don't think that can be said enough. Love is a beautiful blessed thing. :)

Yesterday I recieved something wonderful in the mail....about 2 weeks ago I sent an application to the state that allows me to collect child support from Madi Girl's dad and they put it on this nifty little Visa card....looks like a debit card. Here's the catch, he has to have a taxable income before I recieve any of it (makes sense)....so I activated the card and there was a $0 balance. Well....so there's nothing on it....but having the card gives me peace of mind that someday, hopefully very soon, I will have a little more of a financial crutch to assist me. :)

Also, I got the other job that I applied for and will find out today when I start. Although he seemed hesitant to hire someone who would literally be working everyday of the week due to circumstances and 2 jobs, he hired me nontheless and altho I am already tired, I am grateful. I am still training at the other job I had gotten so now I technically have 3 jobs...and one will probably have to go.

My car place literally just called...somehow I am a month behind on payments (WTH?!) but I got that settled and taken care of.

Awesome news: Madi's dad did not contest to the papers filed for divorce....we move forward! :)

Life continues to be stressful but I see daily that I am blessed, loved, and provided for.

Updates

Yesterday I had another job interview. For a job I don't give two cents about. I came home an hour and a half later and felt pure HATE for Madi's dad. Hate is an emotion that I firmly believe eats at the soul of a human every second that its in the body. I don't want to hate. I don't want it eating away at me. BUT never the less, for about 30 minutes, I HATED him. If he'd just man-up and support this perfect child I wouldn't have to work triple time. I'd have more time with my Madi Girl. I'd have more time to rest and refresh. I'd have more time to think.

I quietly made dinner and dessert while I threw around my emotions in my head and occassionally voiced them to Big B and Big R while Madi Girl colored away in her room. Hugs don't make it better...they make me claustrophobic. Others hating him doesn't make me feel better...no one should have that eating at them and EVERYONE (even people like him) deserve love.

By the time dinner was set on the table, I was calm and in a positive state of mind again. Dinner was yummy (chicken enchiladas, spanish rice, and corn with double chocolate chip muffins) and I was surrounded by pure love. Good moments.

This weekend I got to go to Dave Matthews Band twice, thanks to Big B and it was so relaxing and so much fun.

I work almost everyday and don't make enough. Today's payday and it wasn't enough. Always some good mixed in with the bad.

Madi Girl started Kindergarten on Tuesday. She walked in and said "see ya mom, you can leave now!!" She makes a mama proud! :) Tomorrow is her first field trip...she's so so so excited! It's just to the high school to see a play but the excitement she has makes it exciting to me too...funny how that works.


Dave Matthews


1st day of school...mama has puffy eyes...very sleepy these days. But look at her beaming!

Just Because

Enjoy but do not steal.

Copyright Sara Duchscher 2009

Super Sara!

I tripped over my ever so awesome dogs last night and introduced my face to my counter! "Counter meet face...Face meet counter!" Well, How DO YOU DO?! I wish I could say I got this from saving the world from evil flying purple dinosuars or something outlandish and fun like that....maybe super mice trying to eat people...idk... but nope, just a lovely little accident.
Do you think I should skip on the eyeliner today?? I'm kind of wondering if the dogs were plotting this, hoping it would kill me....it HAS been a week since we went for a good walk....revenge?! *gasp* BAD DOGS!!

Sweet

The other night Madi Girl ended up in my bed. Something that hasn't been happening too often lately (yay). I'd just gotten up to use the bathroom and as I laid back down Madi Girl rolled over and in her sleep said to me: "Look at the circus Mom, it's SO big!..." Sweet.

Challenges in life don't arise haphazardly, no matter how accidental or coincidental they may seem. They only arrive when you are ready for them. Not when you're ready to be squashed, but when you're ready to grow, overcome, and be more than who you were before they arrived.
- Letters from the Universe -

Today I was able to meet with a lawyer, I can't afford him, but at least he gave me some good advise and told me I was heading the right direction as far as all that I've done so far. It's a scary place to be ...in my shoes... but I am good, content, and ready. Oh yeah and, loved. :)