Anyone Have a Map?!

I'm 25. I'll be 26 near the end of November. I remember watching Friends and always thinking "I want to be just like Rachel when I'm 25".... Rachel left her fiance at the alter, made her way slowly but surely and found her career in fashion working with the big kids like Ralph Lauren.

Let's see my realistic 25: single mother working 2 jobs, unable to make ends meet, living in an apartment with my baby and our 2 dogs-after having to leave the house that I own, a soon to be ex husband who is addicted to marijuana and crack, and having to clean up all the pieces..... not quiet so glamourous. And yet, I still smile. I am still happy, and I wouldn't take 2 steps back into my marriage even if it meant that all this ugly would go away.

When he and I first seperated I remember his loved ones coming to me and asking me to stay with him, to give him another chance. "He loves you" "he just needs more understanding" "you're the best thing to happen to him" "think about Madi"... and I remember all the thoughts that went through my head each time...the main one being "if you only knew the truth, if you only knew him like I know him".

It's been messier than I ever would've imagined and its been hell but it won't always be like this, and that's what keeps me going. I still have my amazing friends, my amazing sister, and my amazing baby. They support me and love me and keep me moving forward.

I think about him sometimes, alone. Filled with such sadness that he surrounds himself with bad things that fill the void for just a moment, and for just a minute, my heart breaks for him. I've cried my tears for him. Thought about going to him to try to fix his brokeness, and then I remember that in 12 years I couldn't permanently "fix" him....that going to him and trying to help would do no good. He is a grown man- it is time for him to correct his own wrongs.

As for me, I will continue to live a happy healthy life, surrounded by positive influences, love and happiness. I spend alot of time with Big R and Big B mostly and they have become a special unit of my family. Like a little family add-on.

Big B spends alot of time with Madi Girl, helping to fill the void that her dad has created (due to him rarely visiting anymore). Big B reads to her, plays with her, helps her with her homework, and truly loves her. Big B is good to her. Good to us.

We continue to be happy...although right now we have the flu (I've had it for 4 days, Big B for 2, Big R for 2 and Madi Girl just got it today)...and we continue to love and move forward.

And late at night, when all is quiet, I send a little prayer to the universe that Madi Girl's dad pull himself together....if for no other reason then for the little girl that he and I created and promised to care for.

Life is GOOD and I am BLESSED

Last night I said fairwell to a very good friend of mine Big S. He is leaving to Vegas on a whim to try new and exciting things and I wish him the best of luck. I had him and Big B over for pizza (ps- I make the BEST pizza in the world, and NO I will not tell you my secret) and movies. We had alot of deep convos about life, the future, and all the fun that we've all shared together. It was a good night. I am blessed with amazing friends and amazing family....I don't think that can be said enough. Love is a beautiful blessed thing. :)

Yesterday I recieved something wonderful in the mail....about 2 weeks ago I sent an application to the state that allows me to collect child support from Madi Girl's dad and they put it on this nifty little Visa card....looks like a debit card. Here's the catch, he has to have a taxable income before I recieve any of it (makes sense)....so I activated the card and there was a $0 balance. Well....so there's nothing on it....but having the card gives me peace of mind that someday, hopefully very soon, I will have a little more of a financial crutch to assist me. :)

Also, I got the other job that I applied for and will find out today when I start. Although he seemed hesitant to hire someone who would literally be working everyday of the week due to circumstances and 2 jobs, he hired me nontheless and altho I am already tired, I am grateful. I am still training at the other job I had gotten so now I technically have 3 jobs...and one will probably have to go.

My car place literally just called...somehow I am a month behind on payments (WTH?!) but I got that settled and taken care of.

Awesome news: Madi's dad did not contest to the papers filed for divorce....we move forward! :)

Life continues to be stressful but I see daily that I am blessed, loved, and provided for.

Updates

Yesterday I had another job interview. For a job I don't give two cents about. I came home an hour and a half later and felt pure HATE for Madi's dad. Hate is an emotion that I firmly believe eats at the soul of a human every second that its in the body. I don't want to hate. I don't want it eating away at me. BUT never the less, for about 30 minutes, I HATED him. If he'd just man-up and support this perfect child I wouldn't have to work triple time. I'd have more time with my Madi Girl. I'd have more time to rest and refresh. I'd have more time to think.

I quietly made dinner and dessert while I threw around my emotions in my head and occassionally voiced them to Big B and Big R while Madi Girl colored away in her room. Hugs don't make it better...they make me claustrophobic. Others hating him doesn't make me feel better...no one should have that eating at them and EVERYONE (even people like him) deserve love.

By the time dinner was set on the table, I was calm and in a positive state of mind again. Dinner was yummy (chicken enchiladas, spanish rice, and corn with double chocolate chip muffins) and I was surrounded by pure love. Good moments.

This weekend I got to go to Dave Matthews Band twice, thanks to Big B and it was so relaxing and so much fun.

I work almost everyday and don't make enough. Today's payday and it wasn't enough. Always some good mixed in with the bad.

Madi Girl started Kindergarten on Tuesday. She walked in and said "see ya mom, you can leave now!!" She makes a mama proud! :) Tomorrow is her first field trip...she's so so so excited! It's just to the high school to see a play but the excitement she has makes it exciting to me too...funny how that works.


Dave Matthews


1st day of school...mama has puffy eyes...very sleepy these days. But look at her beaming!

Just Because

Enjoy but do not steal.

Copyright Sara Duchscher 2009

Super Sara!

I tripped over my ever so awesome dogs last night and introduced my face to my counter! "Counter meet face...Face meet counter!" Well, How DO YOU DO?! I wish I could say I got this from saving the world from evil flying purple dinosuars or something outlandish and fun like that....maybe super mice trying to eat people...idk... but nope, just a lovely little accident.
Do you think I should skip on the eyeliner today?? I'm kind of wondering if the dogs were plotting this, hoping it would kill me....it HAS been a week since we went for a good walk....revenge?! *gasp* BAD DOGS!!

Sweet

The other night Madi Girl ended up in my bed. Something that hasn't been happening too often lately (yay). I'd just gotten up to use the bathroom and as I laid back down Madi Girl rolled over and in her sleep said to me: "Look at the circus Mom, it's SO big!..." Sweet.

Challenges in life don't arise haphazardly, no matter how accidental or coincidental they may seem. They only arrive when you are ready for them. Not when you're ready to be squashed, but when you're ready to grow, overcome, and be more than who you were before they arrived.
- Letters from the Universe -

Today I was able to meet with a lawyer, I can't afford him, but at least he gave me some good advise and told me I was heading the right direction as far as all that I've done so far. It's a scary place to be ...in my shoes... but I am good, content, and ready. Oh yeah and, loved. :)

Divorces, Forclosures, and Playdates...oh my

Life takes so many very odd turns. Things that I never saw coming slam me straight in the gut and before I can really pick myself up and dust myself off another wham gets me.

It's a sad reality the toll that drugs can take on a person once they get hold. Madi Girls' dad is quickly fading himself out of her life. Never.Saw.That.Coming. Wow.
Every single day she greets me with her warm beautiful smile and says Good Mormming Mommy. She sleepily gets dressed and asks me how she looks. Amazing of course, is always my answer. She snoozes on the couch while I finish getting ready then she gives me lots of happy kisses as I drop her off with whom ever is watching her that day. How could anyone not want that? To walk away from her joy? Her amazement in all things? She brings things alive with her excitement in them. You've seen fireworks a million times, but when you watch them with her it's like the first time every time. How could someone not want that? Her drawings, her stories, her love....so beautiful. How could anyone not crave that?

Well I don't know how he couldn't want it but I do, and I have plenty of others in my life more than willing to scoop her up and take in all that she can give as well. That girl is LOVED. It's touching to see the way that my friends and my family and even HIS friends and family have scooped us up and wrapped us up tightly in their arms. Support is all around.
Things are hard. But the love is strong.


Finances are overly tight...there's simply not enough money. There is no child support being recieved. I now am training for a 2nd job but I won't have any income from it until 2 months from now. It is what it is. And Madi Girl continues to be provided for. It's a never ending blessing.

We are strong and we are loved.

On lighter sides....it's been a GREAT summer! Madi Girl and I were able to go to the fair and the rodeo (thanks to Big R) and we rode almost all the rides! This was her first rodeo and I think she may be a lifer. ;)



Also, thanks to my sister Eve who gave me the info, I was able to get a discount at the fair by entering a picture....does anyone remember this one?



I got a cute little teeny tiny itsy bitsy blue ribbon for it. I was excited! Although the light blue ribbons were where it was at! ...maybe next year.

All in all life is good. Madi Girl and I are happy, healthy, and loved....now if only we could be wealthy too.....maybe next year? LOL